Salesmen one-liners

“I’d like to say that our sales departments has had the best year in its history. Wow, would I like to say that!”

“A good salesman can convince his wife that ‘polyester’ is the generic name for mink.”

“My brother, the salesman, was put on a starting salary recently. Unfortunately, the salary started but he didn’t.”

“He’s a great salesman. During the day he sold pension plans to kamikaze pilots!”

“One salesman said that he’d gotten three orders that week — get out, stay out, and don’t come back!”

“We just got a painting of our sales department. It’s a still life.”

“My brother is an independent salesman. He takes orders from no one.”

“Salesmanship is the fine art of getting your customers to pass the buck.”

“I lose a little on each sale, but I make up for it in volume.”

A Remarkable Coincidence

The salesman awoke as the Pullman was approaching Chicago. He reached for his shoes, which he had given the porter to be shined, and discovered that one was black and the other was brown. He called the porter’s attention to the mix-up. “You know, sir,” declared the porter, “this is the second time that’s happened to me this morning.”

It’s Better Than Watching Grass Grow

A commercial traveler, having missed the bus, found himself with two hours to spend in Brushville. He approached an ancient porter.

Traveling Man: “Got a picture show here?”

Porter: “Nope.”

Traveling Man: “A pool room or library?”

Porter: “Nope.”

Traveling Man: “Well, how on earth do you amuse yourselves?”

Porter: “We go down to the grocery store in the evenings. They have a new bacon slicer.”

Just a shot in the dark

The traveling man riding over the Montana prairies inquired of a native, “Does Walter Malter live near here?”

“No,” was the reply.

“Well, do you happen to know where I can find him?”

“No,” said the other.

The traveling man was puzzled. “Dear me,” he said. “I must have lost my way. Perhaps you can tell me where Mr. William Bluff, familiarly known as ‘Grizzly Bill’ hangs out?”

“I can. Right here. I am Grizzly Bill.”

“But,” expostulated the tenderfoot traveler, “they told me that Malter lived within a gunshot of you.”

“Well,” said the other, “he did.” (Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, May, 1920)

She’ll need a wide-angle lens for this big shot

The receptionist was pretty, and the visiting salesman lost no time in trying to impress her with his many charms. He bragged on and on about his exploits in selling, his former life as football hero, his success with the fair sex, and everything else he could think of.

The young lady tried to get on with her work, but that didn’t dissuade the story-teller. Finally, she looked up innocently and asked, “Tell me, have  you ever had a group photograph taken of yourself?”

The tables are turned

This is one of my favorites about a farmer and his  . . sons.

It seems this pert young miss was traveling for a medical supply house. Her car broke down one night on the road and she was forced to seek shelter in a farmhouse. After dinner the farmer went out to the barn to take care of some chores, and the traveling saleswoman and the two sons found themselves alone in the house.

Passion began to rise in the bosoms of the two stalwart young men. So, after a certain amount of amorous byplay the older son finally said: “Gee, golly lady, you’re pretty. I’d sure like to kiss you.”

“Me, too,” gurgled his brother.

“I wouldn’t object,” said the lady, always willing to please. “But I do have one request.”

“What’s that, lady?” they chorused.

“As you know, I travel for a medical supply house and we believe that kissing is dangerous. Too many germs are passed that way. If you want to kiss me, you’ll have to wear these gauze masks to prevent my catching some disease.”

“That’s okay with us, lady,” said the boys, their ardor rising by the minute. The young stalwarts donned the masks and each got their antiseptic kisses. The next morning the saleswoman left.

About two months later, the boys were working in the north pasture. The older turned to the younger, “You know,” he said. I don’t care if that lady gets a disease.”

“Me neither,” responded his brother.

“Then, let’s take off these goldurn masks,” said the older boy.

Now that is a matter of principle

Salesman: “listen, girlie, how come you’re so wild.”

Little Nell: “Say mister, I’m tough. I went to an immoral school.”

Salesman: “Whaddaya mean, immoral?”

Nell: “We didn’t have any principal.”

(Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, Winter Annual, September, 1929)

Not my job

An elderly woman was taking her first airplane ride. She wasn’t too enthused about it.  Fortunately, though, she was seated next to a clergyman. She thought that would help, but it didn’t. After they were up for awhile, the plane hit some pretty traumatic turbulence. They bounced around and she whiter and whiter. Finally, in anger she turned to the clergyman and said, “You’re a religious person. Can’t you do something about this?”

He said, “I’m sorry, Madam. I’m in sales, not management.”